Sometimes I wonder if I’m capable of having fun anymore – just relaxing and actually enjoying myself. I wonder if I’m afraid to have fun anymore. When Robert and I went to counseling (3 counselors over numerous years), one of his complaints about me was that I wanted everything to be fun. It really irritated him that I wanted to enjoy myself. I do want to point out that while I wanted things to be fun, I didn’t mind doing things that needed to be done. I would just try to make mundane tasks, such as washing dishes, a little more enjoyable.
Robert complained about this numerous times. He did things out of obligation or because he thought it was a natural progression of things – it almost seemed that he tried to avoid ‘fun’. I remember when we got engaged, he told me that we should get married because it was a natural progression of our relationship. At the time, I laughed because he was so linear. He said he loved me but looking back, I think he felt that his feelings should have progressed to love after the time we spent together. From that, he defined how he felt at that time as ‘love’. I’m sure he loved me in his own way, but it wasn’t a kind of love in which you want to move mountains for the other person. Not having been loved before, I didn’t know something was missing.
After many months of hearing how bad it was that I wanted things to be fun, I think I lost touch with that feeling. I remember exactly when I realized it was missing. I was at a PTA meeting in which Kaileigh was performing. I was as close to the stage as I could get so that I could take photos. I was taking photos and smiling at Kaileigh when the thought crossed my mind that I was acting. I even thought that there was a time that I would have enjoyed the performance. I was taken aback by that thought. It looked like I was enjoying the performance but I actually wanted to go home. An activity that I had always considered ‘fun’ was an obligation. I think I felt guilty having fun and since then, I haven’t had many moments that I’ve allowed to be fun.
I want to stress that this isn’t Robert’s fault. Somewhere along the way, I made a subconscious decision to stomp fun out of my life. I’m now actively trying to turn that around. I have flash backs to knowing that my younger self would have had fun at certain activities that I have attended but I can’t say that it has really been fun. There is always that little nag in the back of my mind wishing I was at home with no one to bother me. I’ve joined a few groups, taken a few classes but haven’t yet found the niche that will have me eager to participate in life again. Stay tuned to see when ‘fun’ returns – I know it is within reach…….