I have not been a good blogger. This surprises me because I love to write. I tend to write too much and I worry about my words but it is still a relaxing task. So it surprises me that I haven’t been better about writing. One problem I have, is that I enjoy looking forward to things. Sometimes, I enjoy the anticipation more than the activity itself. So I anticipate the act of writing and I never get over the hump. So I’m making yet another attempt to keep things up to date. It’s funny – I do know I can write everyday if I want to – it is just some funny quirk in my mind that tells me the anticipation will be over!
Another problem is that I am struggling with depression. Depression coupled with Restless Leg Syndrome – RLS (a malady I wouldn’t wish on anyone) and Attention Deficit Disorder. Throw in GERD and Delayed Sleep Phase Syndrome (DSPS) and then you might just be living my life. Did I mention the chronic pain in my back? No wonder I have high blood pressure!! And last but not least, I have severe social anxiety. In the past few years, I have to give myself a pep talk just to go in my office. Phone calls are all but impossible. The people I work with, the people around me; no one is aware of the full extent of my medical issues. You notice I did not list friends – there are a few people I consider friends but most of them are people I never see. Internet friends, Facebook friends, email friends. When things go wrong (as has happened so often in the last number of months), I have no one to call. This causes me to feel a bit depressed and the cycle continues. I feel like I took a wrong turn somewhere and can’t find my way back on the right path. I am working with doctors on everything and it isn’t as bad as it looks with all the issues I have. The GERD is usually under control as is the high blood pressure. RLS is a daily terror unless I take my medication which I do religiously (If you’ve ever dealt with RLS you know what I mean). I still have break-through days but I can almost manage that! Chronic pain is managed with the same medication I take for the RLS. ADD is managed although I just changed medications and I’m a little scattered but I know that will calm down. That leaves DSPS, depression and anxiety which I’m working on.
So I’m giving it another try. I want to write but there are days in which I am so overwhelmed that I cannot even think of any kind of communication with anyone. But I’ve got to get out of my bed and back into my life. In many ways, depression feels like a vicious cycle. I’m depressed so I don’t get out of bed. I don’t get out of bed so my self-esteem tanks. My self-esteem tanks and I get more depressed. It is hard to look towards a time in which I return to my natural optimistic self – I would be happy just feeling like me again……..