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Long Silences

I have not been a good blogger.  This surprises me because I love to write.  I tend to write too much and I worry about my words but it is still a relaxing task.  So it surprises me that I haven’t been better about writing.  One problem I have, is that I enjoy looking forward to things.  Sometimes, I enjoy the anticipation more than the activity itself.  So I anticipate the act of writing and I never get over the hump.  So I’m making yet another attempt to keep things up to date.  It’s funny – I do know I can write everyday if I want to – it is just some funny quirk in my mind that tells me the anticipation will be over!

Another problem is that I am struggling with depression.  Depression coupled with Restless Leg Syndrome – RLS (a malady I wouldn’t wish on anyone) and Attention Deficit Disorder.  Throw in GERD and Delayed Sleep Phase Syndrome (DSPS) and then you might just be living my life.  Did I mention the chronic pain in my back?  No wonder I have high blood pressure!!  And last but not least, I have severe social anxiety.  In the past few years, I have to give myself a pep talk just to go in my office.  Phone calls are all but impossible.  The people I work with, the people around me; no one is aware of the full extent of my medical issues.  You notice I did not list friends – there are a few people I consider friends but most of them are people I never see.  Internet friends, Facebook friends, email friends.  When things go wrong (as has happened so often in the last number of months), I have no one to call.  This causes me to feel a bit depressed and the cycle continues.  I feel like I took a wrong turn somewhere and can’t find my way back on the right path.  I am working with doctors on everything and it isn’t as bad as it looks with all the issues I have.  The GERD is usually under control as is the high blood pressure.  RLS is a daily terror unless I take my medication which I do religiously (If you’ve ever dealt with RLS you know what I mean).  I still have break-through days but I can almost manage that!  Chronic pain is managed with the same medication I take for the RLS.  ADD is managed although I just changed medications and I’m a little scattered but I know that will calm down.  That leaves DSPS, depression and anxiety which I’m working on.

So I’m giving it another try.  I want to write but there are days in which I am so overwhelmed that I cannot even think of any kind of communication with anyone.  But I’ve got to get out of my bed and back into my life.  In many ways, depression feels like a vicious cycle.  I’m depressed so I don’t get out of bed.  I don’t get out of bed so my self-esteem tanks.  My self-esteem tanks and I get more depressed.  It is hard to look towards a time in which I return to my natural optimistic self – I would be happy just feeling like me again……..

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