This year has been quite stressful from a work perspective. I’m not sure how I ended up on the losing end of a performance review but I made a mistake in not appealing that review. Oh, sure, there were extenuating circumstances in deciding to let it ride (a death in the family) but I’ve been living with that mistake the rest of the year. Somehow, I have ended up in my boss’ cross-hairs and it is not a good place to be. I was put on a performance improvement plan that lasted 90 days and while I thought I would do well, it turned out that everything I did was given a negative slant. I asked my boss at the beginning of this process if I had a chance of getting a successful at the end of the process and he assured me that of course if I did well, I would pass the PIP. But he carefully stacked the deck, used health information that I had willingly given him and now, at the end, I have failed. My boss recommended me for removal from my place of employment for the last 37.75 years. This has been incredibly painful and demoralizing. At first, when I was sent home, I wanted to quietly lick my wounds and I didn’t want anyone to know what had happened. It is hard to hear such negative things about oneself and not believe them. But I have recovered to an extent and I feel in my heart that this is all a setup. It would help to know why I was singled out but I am not going to get a straight answer on that. Coworkers thank me for my quick turnaround on tasks so I don’t think it is coming from them.
I am now halfway though a time period in which I can write a rebuttal to my boss’ review. I have thought of nothing else and this of course affected how I felt about Christmas this year. I have made multiple attempts to write down my thoughts and unfortunately I’m coming up with a writer’s block. I can’t seem to put two coherent thoughts together in explaining how I feel I am being discriminated against. The discrimination isn’t your typical age or sex type discrimination; however, I told my boss about being seriously introverted and having social anxiety. This has never been a problem at work since my tasks were well suited towards working on my own. But after I told him about the anxiety, suddenly my job depended on my interactions. I would request input from others (via email and office visits) and when I did not get the requested input in a timely manner, the fault would be mine and I would get another negative mark. It feels like I’m being blamed for others not doing their jobs.
So I desperately need to write my rebuttal but can’t seem to put two sentences together. Luckily I am eligible to retire and they will allow me to exit that way rather than the “dismissal”. So in another three weeks, I will probably be retired and this will be behind me. I just hate going out with such a huge negative mark on my employment record. I have to believe that there are better things out there for me but it is hard for me to open my mind to the possibilities that exist. I am confused and hurt and am trying to keep my comments from getting personal. We will see how successful I am at that! Truthfully, I’m not sure I would want to go back anyway; I just don’t want such negative comments in my personnel file.
Time to get back to my rebuttal letter. This would be a really good time for some kind of divine intervention for the right words………