Today was the big moment of truth in determining if my (end of) friendship fears were true or not. Drumroll…………..oh, you know it won’t be that easy! Even my short posts are a bit long winded!
Grabbed my swimsuit and headed to pickleball in Madison, where my two friends like to play. It is a long drive for me; most other gyms are much closer but I drive out there because that is where they like to play on Mondays. Only one of the friends was playing there today. I consider her the one that has sort of initiated the cold shoulder approach of the last few months. After pickleball, we all headed to the pool party.
I felt pretty awkward arriving but I forced myself to go in, get into my suit and then into the pool. I am introverted in the best of conditions; this was far from the best of conditions and I had trouble making eye contact with anyone. In fact, I didn’t even realize I had arrived before the twosome (Let’s say A and B) until they showed up (together) on the side of the pool. They were laughing and saying hi to everybody, well almost everybody. Despite my watching them for an opportunity to make eye contact and say hi, they never looked at me or acknowledged me. I thought I was ready for it, but it ripped at my heart. I went to a corner of the pool so no one would see the tears trickling down my face. I wanted to leave immediately but still thought maybe I was being too sensitive.
So I did what I do best. I stood in the pool on the periphery, listening to all the conversations. I would nod and smile at the jokes and talk to people who were near me. But nothing from the women I thought of as my best friends. B has a pretty loud voice and she was describing a recent trip to the Ocoee where the duo went white water rafting. This really hurt. This was a trip we had talked about often when I was still a part of their circle and I had really looked forward to doing this. And yes, they had heard me say I couldn’t wait to go. She went on to joke about other trips and outings. I got out of the pool and went to be alone after that. I was hurting so much that I couldn’t bear being around them. I eventually got back in the pool where A told me to come out to the middle and be sociable. I took photos of everyone in the pool and A grabbed my phone and took a shot or two of me which was appreciated. That was the sum of our interaction until I was leaving.
When I was going in to change for my appointment, the duo was sitting on the steps to the kitchen. I’m stepping around A when she says “maybe you can say hi to me at pickleball on Thursday”. This really stopped me in my tracks. I asked her if she even wanted me to talk to her because it seemed to me that they were done with me. She claims she thinks I was mad at her. That I just walk past her and ignore her at pickleball. I pointed out that we’ve known each other for two years and I always walk in like that and socialize after I get used to being there. I remind her I am an introvert and have trouble adjusting to crowds. I couldn’t believe her response. She said I need to get over that. What? Get over being an introvert? I thought she understood me. But as I always say; an extrovert cannot understand an introvert and this just proves my theory. B was also there which made it worse because it ended up being two against one. B claimed they don’t do much together anyway. I stared at her in disbelief. She was just in the pool talking about all the fun they have been having. I (tearfully of course) said it feels to me I have been shunned and it feels like they no longer want to associate with me. A tried to turn it around on me by saying I’ve been acting different and she had thought I was mad all this time. Then as a parting shot, she said I need to say hi at pickleball on Thursday and as far as she is concerned, everything is normal between us again.
Sorry for the length. Believe it or not, this is a very abbreviated version of the afternoon. I’ll keep an open mind but I don’t think everything is normal between us. I feel sick to my stomach when I think about the afternoon. I had hoped this was a big misunderstanding but it appears it is an intentional snub. I am half-heartedly fighting off depression and loneliness. It is hard to stay upbeat when the life you thought you had collapses. I’m trying to remember the old adage ‘don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened’……
“Solitude is not the same as loneliness. Solitude is a solitary boat floating in a sea of possible companions.”
I Was Just Saying 